..theres an electric stapler on my desk and its just for me, can you believe that?…..i didnt even know there was such a thing so imagine my surprise when in the same moment i found out this not only existed, but existed on my own desk, just for me………i felt like someone just gave me the keys to a flying car……’wait, this is a WHAT?!??…and for ME?!’

..to be completely honest, watching ‘the office’ has made me want an office job for a really long time, i just never thought it would happen because its not really for me……..that being said, im determined to make it more enjoyable than its supposed to be….im trying to treat it like its brendan just going about his day as per usual, there just happens to be a bunch of other people around him, sitting at desks, wasting paper and staring at computer screens………everyone seems to like me and i think its because i lightened the mood, even in the five days ive been around….its probably because at this point, im just ‘happy to be here.’…….its funny to start to see how the office goes ’round and who plays what roles, both professionally and socially…..im already picking up on the politics of the place, the cliques, and the people that i can make fun of that everyone will laugh about….i dont know if this is how its supposed to be but i dont have anything to compare it to….if someone tells me ‘hey, you cant do that!’ i will just play dumb because i didnt know any better……after all, im supposed to be at home watching sportscenter and stuff.

..words cannot describe how excited i am for such things as ‘office christmas parties’ and such…..march madness is more fun with an office pool to be involved in…..even though i wore jeans every day while unemployed, its such a treat being able to wear jeans on fridays……i should have dressed up business/casual on fridays while i didnt have a job….it would have been an equally exhilarating change of pace……..i have a little sign that hangs where i sit that has my name on it so i feel like i exist now….some lady came over to me holding it and was peeling the adhesive stuff off the back, prepping that bad boy for its place and says ‘i haveee something for you!’……yes, ok, awesome!..’did we spell it right?’ she asks, turning it around……i said ‘um…well, no because thats not even my name.’……….wrong fucking guy…..like how to you fuck that up?…cruel, cruel joke, lady whom i dont know…….of course if i knew her name id intentionally call her something else anyway….oh, your name is sheila?..well its nice to meet you, CATHY!…….how do you like it, huh?

-somehow every band/musician has the ‘greatest fans in the world.’

-if you want to be famous, become a member of will smiths family.

-lady gag me needs to go into hiding for awhile and not come back…we get it, youre fucking bizarre….now disappear.

-justin bieber isnt cool, even if he dances around with usher, who is old like eminem…..get ready for your voice to change, bieber, because then youll be retired for good….just ask billy gilman.

-lady antebellum?….i just dont grasp the concept of largely overplayed songs translating to ‘song of the year’ and ‘record of the year’….i bet nobody can even name another song on that record….this is why i loved seeing arcade fire win album of the year; people get so into katy perry-esque songs, a dime a dozen, that someone else wrote in 25 minutes that nobody will remember in ten years while actual bands are writing and recording actual music…but if one of their songs doesnt get the shit played out of it on hits 1 radio, people dont consider it worthy…..this didnt help- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hemltlamIjU (thanks jenna spurlin)…..i know this all boils down to my opinion over anyone elses whos reading this but i couldnt believe ray lamontagne was even in the running for ‘song of the year’….i wouldnt have even gone to the grammy awards if i were him, theres no point…..ray lamontagne has ten times the talent and soul of cee lo green, yet most people dont even know the song ray lamontagne had up for song of the year….but we allllll love cee lo green because he wrote a song called ‘fuck you.’…….’oh em gee, thats soooooo true!….i can relate to this song about a guy who sees another guy with a girl he likes….and he says ‘fuck’ in the song!…..AND hes performing it live right now dressed all crazy!?…..this guy is great!’………..i understand that not all songs can be ‘great’ on every level but just because it gets stuck in your head doesnt make it great……the sound my alarm makes gets stuck in my head but you dont see anyone nominating it for a fucking grammy……but drop some justin bieber vocals on top of it and maybe itll get the nod.

-what is bob dylan doing and why are people allowing it?….the man is 69 years old and doesnt sound a day under 104…the phrase ‘but im bob dylan!’ can only work for so much longer, right?….my theory is that it was all just a part of some ‘make a wish foundation’ event…if his voice and appearance is any indication of his health, hes on his way out and everyones just being nice…..’i want to perform with the avett brothers and mumford & sons at the grammys this year’…….hmmm, i guess its the least we can do for him…..you got it!

..if you can tolerate the boredom, its interesting to see the list of all 109 grammys given out this year to people and groups youve never heard of in categories that seemingly only exist for the award.

..its no secret that the grammys are often labeled as a joke and i dont think any ‘real’ musicians out there should judge their career or music on something like a trophy………i hope to live to see the day that the grammys are a better judge of talent and musical brilliance than a popularity contest between the faces of a few ‘guilty pleasures’ that wash away after a couple years because someone louder and weirder and younger comes along……then the best way to remember them is by buying their grammys on ebay.

..passion is a strange thing….i know there are varying definitions and some are easily confused, but it strikes me as odd how some passions can sneak up on me and some are just always there……..the obvious one would be the emotion and love and desire i can have for a woman….its either there or it isnt……then theres more of a maniacal enthusiasm i have for sports teams or things of that nature that i can get so involved in, its stupid….yelling at the tv and shit……..and then theres drawing and painting and art and blah blah whatever the fuck that im honest-to-god passionate about, but on a stranger and less predictable level….another relationship i dont understand……i know there are people who wake up everyday, ready to paint all day and get shit done like its their job (and it probably is), but there is a mystifying amount of times that i just do not want to have anything to do with a canvas or a stick of conté or any of that, and it sucks…..you cant force it or it comes out looking forced (the force is strong with this one) and then you paint over it, or erase it, or feed it to a fire……maybe im just pushing it too hard on myself because i know its there, i think i might just put too much pressure on some aspects of my creative necessity……..if im not drawing or painting, im reading about it or writing something or taking photos or doing graphic work or a combination so i think im on the right track here…i just find it difficult sometimes to have the convenience and the ambition line up with one another………..i was lying here reading, winding down for bed when i got this fucking urge to work on this drawing……i got pissed like ‘seriously, drawing?’…..im not that tired but i was pretty convincing in talking myself into going to bed soon..until now…….thats how this whole thought process kind of started off and i honestly sat here looking at this drawing, lecturing it in my head (so as to not wake anyone up) about how itll still be here tomorrow when i wake up and then we can spend the whole day together….and then i gave in, realizing that this ‘lightening in a bottle’ feeling cant be bypassed for some shitty shut-eye…..its like the drawings argument was that sleep will still be here tomorrow, too, asshole….so what did i do?…i went downstairs, made some tea to keep me awake even longer, made some food because i was hungry enough as it was when i thought i was going to bed, and now im staying up longer and look at me now, completely sidetracked with this, recording my thoughts as quickly as they come and will probably wrap this up just in time for my ‘passion’ for this drawing to fade away while i angrily stare at an unfinished work, waiting for the caffeine to fade as well.

11/19/02

The most horrible thing that ever happened to me was cutting my hair for senior pictures in July of this past year.  I had to say goodbye to almost three inches of hard work, just so my mom would lay off me.  it has all grown back but only because I’ve worked hard to restore my mop to its original condition.  I’m pondering the idea of a trim within the next few weeks, but I have different feelings about it every day.  What do you think I should do? (As if your opinion counts).

11/20/02

You said to write about something someone has said to you today and write about how and why it affected you.  Upon looking back, I have come to realize that 90% of my conversations with people are worthless, meaningless, pointless, sarcastic, mean, or just straight up unintelligent.  The end.

11/21/02

Ok, we’re supposed to write where we think you’ll be in ten years.  I think you’ll still be working at Saint Edmond and you’ll have about six kids and be living in the old nun convent above the development office while your husband is putting out forest fires in the west.  You’d throw a fit and not go with, thus being forced to live off of your $3.00 an hour teaching job at this run down, scamming school we all call home.  You will probably be teaching art or history or something just because our school doesn’t care what you teach; it’s all about filling the necessary positions.  Oh yeah, your $3.00 an hour is a raise to you, and you will ride a three-wheeled bike with a basket in front to school every day, picking up cans along the way.

..so ive got three semesters worth of gems like these scratched down in notebooks from high school and i have to admit, some of them are pretty funny…..its been long enough since writing them that ive entirely forgotten about them so each one is like a brand knew thought, even though its all shit i obviously wrote……its funny because i actually remember writing some of them and fell into the same thought pattern, remembering what i probably wrote next…..i found the entry we had to write while 9/11 was happening….my literature class was the first of the morning so we were doing our entry as we watched everything happen on tv……that ones a little crazy and frantic and eerie and a bunch of other stuff i remember feeling….its pretty important though, and im sure its something i can show my kids…one of those ‘where were you when?’ moments……luckily i can also show them other things like ‘where were you when your teacher told you to write about homecoming but instead you went around the room and wrote about everyone in the class?’……i probably could have gotten in a lot of trouble in high school if my journal would have found itself in the wrong hands…….when i read these entries, i envision my little brothers writing them….i know they had the same teachers as i did so they probably had do to the same thing….if theyre anything like me (duh) then they probably kept theirs, too…….then again, maybe not…..i dont think they kept as much shit as me….when i was a lot younger especially, i had a tendency to keep things that most people probably didnt…..i used to cut out all the chicago bulls articles out of the newspaper the morning after their games……i kept a lot of magazines, too….while those dont reveal much more than my sports obsessions, im glad i held on to things like my journal entries…i even came across my first place winning D.A.R.E. essay contest essay, complete with tattered ribbon.

..side note; super bowl prediction does not include the bears or the jets.

..if you want a little bit of a good thing in music, check out the sufjan stevens album ‘the age of adz’…just got around to acquiring it and its found itself on repeat.

..if you want a little bit of a bad thing in movies, check out ‘the social network’….finally got around to wasting those two hours of my life….pure rubbish.

To Whom it may concern;
I am a house painter and perhaps the biggest Benjamin Moore paint advocate out there.  I’ve recently been back to an interior job site to resume a paint job that was put on hold due to remodeling.  I left a home with 75% of its trim painted last year and returned to it last week needing more of the same trim color to complete the job, as there was less than 1/4 gallon left.  I went back to the same Ace store to get the same color of paint with the same Benjamin Moore paint swatch and went back to the job site and promptly finished an entire bathroom of trim, all the way to the door frame where it met up with the trim paint job from before.  A day later, it was obvious that this was not the same color, drying noticeably darker than the original.  I took both the paint I had just purchased and the original gallon in with me to Ace, both of which had the formula printed on the lid and inquired about obvious mistint.  After convincing the young man that it couldn’t be attributed to the paint ‘fading’ over the course of a year, especially on a surface that receives no natural daylight, I sat for the next 45 minutes while he and another guy tried to figure out what happened and how to remedy it.  Four gallons of paint later, the original color had still not been achieved, including an attempt to scan the color and duplicate it from scratch, a feat seemingly easy with a Benjamin Moore system of Benjamin Moore colors matching Benjamin Moore paint with a Benjamin Moore machine.  I was even given the excuse that ‘maybe I got the original paint before this (points to carousel of paint tint) was switched out with the old one.’  Not only was that absurd, but also it wasn’t my fault, nor was it the case anyway.  A massive headache later, I was told to just come back tomorrow when the ‘Paint Expert’ would be on hand and the guy proceeded to vent about how said ‘Paint Expert’ was conveniently never around on Friday when all the worst scenarios needed answering.  I wasn’t happy but I had no choice.  I went back the next morning (Saturday) and it seemed the elusive ‘Paint Expert’ was waiting for me.  I had been told that he literally wrote the handbook so if he couldn’t do it, nobody could.  He tried to figure out what had gone wrong and mixed up a formula of his own, unsuccessfully.  The final verdict was that the paint was mixed incorrectly the first time and would be nearly impossible to duplicate having no idea what the formula actually was.  So now I have less than 1/4 of a gallon of the original paint sitting in front of him that he’s trying to duplicate.  It’s basically liquid gold at this point, knowing it can’t be matched and any touch ups from the original work in the home had to be done with only this paint.  He tipped it to the side to examine something, not realizing that he hadn’t properly closed the lid and the contents of the ONLY remaining original color spilled onto the counter.  This man knew exactly what the circumstances were and still unraveled about half a roll of paper towels to sop it up and toss it.  I intervened at the last minute and asked if there was any chance he could at least TRY to salvage any of it, as it was the last of its kind.  So, being at a hardware store with a plethora of resources, he decided to use two Ace Hardware painting pamphlets to awkwardly cradle the puddle and proceeded to sling it in every direction before funneling it into the paint can two feet away.  My priceless paint was now all over his hands, the counter (still), the other paint can, and the telephone.  I was so angry at this point, I was unsure what to say or whom to.  His best attempt at matching the paint ended with a disaster, and sent me home with nothing accomplished and none of my questions answered or remedied.  Now I’m stuck with paint that still doesn’t match because I was told that ‘that’s the best we can do.’  I’m three days behind with no actual solution and no matching paint.  I have a house with 75% of its trim one color, and the rest that will never match, and unless another assumed incompetent ‘Ace Paint Expert’ is going to come to this home and repaint the original 75% of the trim, I’m up a creek (pardon my French).  Three work days of productivity have been wasted, countless paint has been wasted, and everyone’s time has been wasted with absolutely nothing to show for it.  Not that it would have helped, but nobody even offered me compensation of any sort to make it feel less like a complete loss.  Throw in a couple $13 paintbrushes and at least I won’t go home quite so sour.  On this job alone, I’ve purchased around 25 gallons of Benjamin Moore paint, and I’m sure whoever is reading this can do the math on that (sorry, I need to stop assuming capability on Ace Hardware’s behalf…the answer is over $1,000).  I wish I could even say that this is the first time this has happened, but a few months ago, after running out of a gallon of paint, I purchased a quart the next day to finish cutting around the ceiling and trim and was left with a bathroom outlined in a darker hue.  I’ve reached my breaking point and have maxed out the amount of headaches I can withstand.  You can tell the employees at this location that they don’t have to worry about seeing me in their store for the sixth day in a row today.  There is obviously no sense in bringing back the paint that was mixed yesterday that surprisingly (sarcasm) didn’t match, nor is there a chance that I will be purchasing a product from Ace Hardware ever again.  Please don’t blame this on ‘Black Bean Soup 2130-10′ (the name of the original paint color).

Sincerely,
Brendan Gargano

..i havent said shit in almost four months and i kick it off with a bitching session on pretzels…awesome, i know……i went as a nintendo mii character version of myself for halloween, thats kind of positive or something i think….um, what else…..someone said we have a black president now?..is that a thing?……ummm…i went and saw ’127 hours’ tonight, but im not sure if im ready to discuss that yet……..ive been on some road trips, but i dont feel like talking about those either………still havent won powerball………

..does anybody know of a place where you can get eggnog year round?….i dont even know whats in that or id try and make some…i think its like dr. pepper or the kfc chicken recipe and nobody really knows how it happens but it just does, but it isnt fair because you can buy chicken and pop whenever you want…..what if i froze a bunch of eggnog, and then thawed it out when i was jonesing for some…is that a thing i could do?…if you or someone you know have any information on this, please let me know because i like eggnog and id like to like it for more than just a month before it just disappears (insert several female names here).

..alright, lets be positive for a second…….i havent got much going on lately that really just brightens the shit out of my day, and it really doesnt even take much anymore, thats how i know ive felt less than content as of late but a couple of things have made me go ‘holy shit!’ within the last week that no kidding, made my day….heres how pathetic i am;

-instance #1: did laundry today, darks…….load up the washer, no big deal….transfer to dryer, no big deal……bring upstairs to fold them in my room, boring as usual…..get down to only the clean socks and EVERY LAST FUCKING SOCK HAD A MATCH!….this does not happen in real life so i am convinced i am not in real life right now.

-instance #2: several days ago i was driving and it was raining…..day ruiner?….not when you realize your WINDSHIELD WIPERS ARE EXACTLY IN SYNC WITH THE SONG YOURE LISTENING TO!…..talk about a damn miracle…im serious, i was ecstatic…….no, drugs were not involved…it was like the wipers wanted to rock out with me, so they did…they just fucking did…..’i know we are supposed to wipe your driving window clean either annoyingly too slow so you constantly have to change our speed or too fast so it makes that loud noise because theres not enough rain on the windshield, but today, right now, just for this song that we also love, you are getting a glimpse of what heaven is like.’

..two simple examples…two things that changed how i felt that day….i dont need to wake up to a room full of money or a collection of priceless art or an actual job to be happy……it can be simpler than that……..jacks pizzas on sale at hyvee for $1.88?!…today is my day!….antiques roadshow marathon?!…how did i get this lucky?!!……only one letter in the mail from the student loan people today?!….there is a god!…..and you all say im soooooo negative…well, fuck you.

..i had such an interesting time last year working at the world famous ‘Braffords Lemonade’ stand (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Braffords-Lemonade/141253448367) that i decided to work at it again this year, and let me tell you, it picked up right where it left off last year……you can never really measure the level of appreciation you have for certain things until youre away from them for a year……’oh yeah, people DO still think mullets are sexy’ and ‘wow, i thought tattoos on a bald head just happened in the movies!’ or ‘thats fucking disgusting..’ is just a small sample of the inner dialogue ive experienced in the first four days of the fair…..once the culture shock wears off, it really exposes the valuable lessons that are being made apparent in the wide open venue known to many as simply the ISF…….for example, kids shouldnt walk too far ahead of mommy and daddy or ever run off without permission or you will be forced to wear a furry brown harness thing that is disguised as a ‘backpack’ that looks like a monkey….i got a kick out of the child harnesses last year so i thought i should touch on this phenomenon again……..’dont sydney and jacob look so cute in their little monkey backpacks?!!!…and its a pun!…monkey on their back, adorable!…..oh, and on a minor note, we keep our children on leashes and often times make them drink water out of a bowl.’………moving on….its also important to never give your phone number out to strangers, especially to the fifty-something year old african american woman who paid for her lemonade with drink coupons that she presented to me from the inner-bra region of her attire……you know when youre taking your jeans out of the wash machine and realize you left that scorecard from mini golf in the pocket?..yeah, thats what the coupons felt like….even after that sweaty transaction, she was 50 cents short so she began digging in her pockets, and thats when it gets dangerous……..im 87% sure that while searching for two quarters, she accidentally revealed a crack pipe, which seemed to startle her and i simultaneously, making for a split second of awkward eye contact…i looked at her like ‘holy shit, is that a crack pipe?’ while she glanced up at me as if to say ‘holy shit, he saw my crack pipe.’………then she told me i was cute and asked me for my phone number….i dont know if this was some sort of diversion she was trying to create from said crack pipe or what but i told her i didnt have a phone….good thinkin, huh?…………next….the whole ‘hold on a minute, i know ive got it here somewhere’ business is really confusing to me……sooooo, you have this cash somewhere, you just dont know exactly where?…and sometimes its ‘lost’ in the section of the wallet reserved for bills?!……its not the same as misplacing your car keys somewhere in your entire house..were essentially talking about misplacing your money in your money holder..?…..but thennnn you get the guy with the overalls on that have 985 pockets in them and hes elbow to mid-tricep deep in the things while hes digging, pulling out everything in his possession that isnt 50 fucking cents…..youve found the penny, nickel, and dime section of your pocket, now where are the quarters?!…..chewing tobacco, that aint it….oh, whats this?…hold on………piece of circular metal that looks like a quarter, that aint it (not joking)….receipt……another receipt……..lotto ticket…..some lint (that he left on the counter)…..wadded up kleenex……..same receipt from before that was accidentally returned to the receipt compartment of the pocket…….ah, there they are…two quarters, that was easy……we had so much fun letting you hold up our line that well be sure to invite you back for some more lemonade, sir!…..i thought all old people came with those weird rubber oval shaped coin purse things that you pinch the sides of to mysteriously open the nondescript coin slot?..guess not.

..the iowa state fair is such a thing of beauty, much like a family dressed alike in tie dye, a gang of goth kids wearing baggy black jeans in 103 degree heat, a meth addict eating a corndog with a circumference larger than that of her waist, or a blooming lotus flower in the springtime…….i truly believe that you can never ever ‘see it all’ at the iowa state fair, even if youve gone to it every year since it started…..people will always find a way to out-do the ridiculousness they unknowingly put on display the year before, much to the appreciation and entertainment of people like myself…….im beginning to think that my second year working the lemonade stand will soon turn into my seventh, my 15th, 44th…who knows where it ends?….when it boils (or deep fat fries, rather) down to it, everyones an addict and perhaps im becoming addicted to people watching/serving lemonade…..judgmental citrus beverage distributors anonymous has a decent ring to it.

..last week while vacationing at lake okoboji in celebration of my grandparents 50th anniversary, iowa was hit with some less than friendly rain, putting it lightly…….late thursday morning, i planned on going for a run but realized i had left my shoes in my car….so i took a very normal elevator ride down to the main floor, walked through the very normal lobby, and took one step out the front doors to see my car parked in the only corner of the parking lot where there is a foot and a half of standing water……..alright, look; at this point, im honestly not surprised at anything that happens to my car, regardless of how far fetched or unfortunate it is but seriously?!……one of three or four cars affected by this turn of events, mine was the only one that wasnt an SUV or van….those cars at least sat high enough to dodge the more unfortunate bullet but not mine…oh no……i waded through the water to my vehicle, hoping for the best but assuming the worst….i bet the fact that my car was literally parked in the lowest point of the parking lot didnt help much but why did i have to discover my running shoes floating in the back of my car?….six inches of standing water in my car, i drove to higher ground to let her start draining……the resort employees told me that ‘a maintenance guy would be out to help me shop vac my car out so i needed to park as close to the building as possible so they didnt have to use too much extension cord.’……yeah, i wouldnt want to inconvenience them….so i promptly drove to the closest spot (albeit handicapped) and rove the front end of my car up the curb so the water could drain to the back, making it easier for me to jettison the shit smelling marsh water from my vehicle……..i ended up spending about 25 minutes scooping water out of my car and into the parking lot until i realized that i shouldnt have to be doing this……shop vac mcgee never showed up and i wasnt going to wait for him so i left my car parked as is, floor mats and ruined books and painting supplies strewn about, and went back to the room…..there was no manager to be found or gotten a hold of, no boss of that manager to be found or gotten a hold of, and no sign of anyone helping me out of a situation that i was not responsible for getting into…..there was no indication that parking where i parked was a potential danger zone….no flood warning….no parking at own risk….nothing……….until hours after my incident…a home made sign was installed, warning people that it might not be a good idea to park there……..fast forward to friday morning, 30 minutes before were scheduled to check out….almost 24 hours later, the boss of our resorts manager finally surfaces……..he basically said they couldnt do anything, it wasnt their fault, and that it was ‘an act of god’ so the insurance company probably wouldnt get involved……by this time, he had been advised to remove the sign, so as to not admit fault on their behalf……….it had been brought up that due to a shit ton of rain the week before, this was the second time their lot had flooded, therefore voiding the ‘act of god’ excuse and employing negligence on their part…………finally after 24 hours of my car sitting halfway up the curb, 15 feet from the main doors, belongings spread out, they agreed to tow it to the nearest dealership to assess the damage and see if i could drive away from this bullshit ordeal…………..five hours after checkout time, i finally get called down to the lobby, saying my car was in the parking lot, cleared to drive…..everything was supposedly checked over and their were no problems and the carpet had been cleaned and it was all good to go, and i was handed a bullshit formality of an ‘invoice’ from the dealership to prove it…..all it said was that it was $80 to tow it and some other $40 charge to check it out and the additional note that ‘fluids were fine and carpet was wet’…….well thank you for that, observer of the obvious……..the floor mats were soaked and showed no signs of even being vacuumed…..my destroyed belongings were tossed into the back seat, and within five minutes i discovered that my AC didnt do much more than whisper and my radio didnt even do so much as that…….now i was skeptical as to how safe my car was to drive since the rest of the assessment was bullshit and apparently didnt even happen………what was originally written off as $135 worth of tow truck fees and initial assessment fees has since turned into my insurance people informing me that my car has $1300 worth of damage……….so, i guess what im saying is that if you and your family are looking for a week of neglect, poor treatment, time wasting/vacation ruining confrontations, and just flat out lies, give Bridges Bay Resort and Water Park in Okoboji, Iowa at 712.332.2202……dont bother asking for Jon because hes in ‘meetings’ all day so id go above him and ask for his boss at the parent company for Bridges Bay, which is Arrowwood Resort and Conference Center at 712.332.2161….ask for Anthony and patiently wait 24 hours for him to get back to you with a bunch of lies and other bullshit…..but hey, dont let it ruin your day!

..yesterday while sitting outside a coffee shop, i witnessed the most literal cliché these eyes have seen…..while aimlessly gazing around, taking in the sights and sounds of eclectic uptown minneapolis, i came upon a blind woman walking down the sidewalk, feeling it out with one of those long white canes…..bizarre?..no…..but then it got real……5 feet behind her, another woman followed…..with……a long white cane………ladies and gentlemen, the blind leading the blind!….my mind almost exploded.

..so im 25 now and it feels like shit……24 at least sounds like its fine if i dont have my shit together but 25 sounds like ive fallen well behind the curve……….im starting to find myself more and more influenced by what i read or see on tv in terms of what inspires me/gets me all jacked up to get up and go somewhere….its getting ridiculous…….some days im positive i could work on a fishing boat and makes loads of money…other days i seriously contemplate hitchhiking to some corner of the states….or maybe canada….nah, fuck canada………..ive been watching this reality art show called ‘art race’ where they take these 2 artist guys, one from new york and one from los angeles, and make them switch places, take all their money, and give them 40 days and a backpack of art supplies to beg, borrow, and deal their way back home, living only off of their art basically as currency…..they do things like sketch a 20 minute portrait of someones daughter for a place to sleep and a ride 100 miles down the road or do a watercolor painting of a hotel for a free nights stay……..at the end, they have a gallery showing of the work the did along the way and the winner is the guy who makes the most money during his trip, including the price equal to all the services/accommodations they were able to trade for……….it really shows how much you can get away with if you just ask, and its a little refreshing to know that even a little pen and ink sketch can be worth something to someone, but i also wonder how much of it is influenced by the fact that they have a camera crew with them……i was watching the first episode with my roommate and one of the artists had these three canvases that he literally dumped a bucket of resin mixed with those little green army men on top of and blasted a bunch of paint straight out of the tube all over them…..in 20 minutes, he had three shitty ‘paintings’ and sat them on the curb, waiting and watching…….some asshole walks by and says his wife likes one of them and wants it…..douche artist guy tells him he was hoping to sell all three as a set……art patron says ok and buys all three for $1000………i was livid…..my roommate looks at me and asks why im not doing that……….i tried to convince him that its not that easy, but of course the show makes people think that this is how it works…….you take a big colorful dump on a blank square and turn it into cash in a matter of minutes….boom, youre an artist…………well fuck that and fuck that stupid guy who made it and fuck the even dumber guy who bought it for his stupid wife…….talk about the blind leading the blind…..physical blindness;  thats the only explanation for why she would have liked those pieces of total shit…..way to make me question my college major even more.

..if i wasnt so positive that id fail and maybe even die, i would love to do that…….i really dont know if i have enough faith in humanity right meow to believe that i could go around and convince people to spend money on something they might not even like from someone they know nothing about……its not like feeling sorry for the knights of columbus and giving them a dollar donation outside of kmart when you know all youre getting in return is a giant tootsie roll…..little risk, little reward, and you forget about it almost immediately……when you invest time and money getting yourself involved with something that will potentially hang on the wall of your house, its harder to convince people that theyre doing a good thing, especially when they might not even have the money to fill up their damn car……..’yes ma’am, i know you should probably spend this money to feed your four children that have been eating cat food for the last two and a half weeks but this drawing i did would look really nice on that water damaged panel wall in your trailer that you pay for by selling your body to your landlord’……….you get what im saying yet?

..i went get an estimate on my car yesterday and while waiting in the lobby, had my choice of whatever was on tv or one of 3 magazines on the table……rachael ray was on the tele so i opted for the magazines…..until i realized it was between good housekeeping, people, and something really shitty that i forgot already….it was like choosing between three kinds of poop and you had to eat one of them….ughhh…i went for the issue of ‘people’ poop and got 5 pages into it before i noticed it was from november of 2009…..it wasnt even that it mattered because all that gossip is brand new to me regardless, but i was turned off…..by now, there was a different show on…some ‘bonnie hunt show?’…does this mean anything to anyone, because i have never heard of or seen this woman in my life, and for good reason; she sucks……the lobby of the ‘repairs’ wing of ‘superior chevrolet’ felt like hell without the fire….this show was completely worthless in ever way imaginable, so i tried to ignore it….when i did, all i could hear was the receptionist talking on her work phone to what i assume was a boyfriend on the other end (judging by the boring, drawn out conversation) and she would occasionally tell him to hold on and switch to a customer on the other line…….shoot.me………..it finally ended when a man came out with my check and looked at me and said ‘brandon? i have your check’……..disgusted, i grab the check…pay to the order of brandon gargano…..brandon……….have i ever mentioned how much i hate that fucking name?……thanks for visiting hell, brandon.

..today i was out running and about a half block ahead, i see an older man in a fluorescent orange vest with a stop sign…he was standing on the corner, looking very excited to be there in the beating sun an hour after school was out……i dont even know if there was a school around there but this guy was clearly a crossing guard, maybe just for fun?…like those old people who become door greeters at walmart, just for fun….i dont understand but anyway, he saw me approaching and eagerly trotted into oncoming traffic, arms held high……i was waiting for a flock or pack or murder or whatever of 4 years olds to parade around the corner, holding hands like in the movies…but no dice……this was just for me…this was my moment to shine, and i guess his too…….i almost laughed while running by and was afraid to make eye contact, but i did and gave him a much deserved wave……..these old folks are bending over backwards to help me as of late….stopping cars, hitting cars, whatever…..in the spirit of yesterdays cinco de mayo, gracias.

..shout out to my baby bros who are graduating next weekend from high school……i was talking to one of them (i dont know which one) last night and i was trying to be as much of the ‘older-brother-philosophical-influential-advice-giver’ that i could be, speaking largely from experiences that i had in college…he wants to do everything i did and study abroad and backpack europe and all this stuff and wants to do it all, like, tomorrow…..i told him to chillax and told him hes got time and not to rush through things just for the sake of doing them or it wont mean as much, especially at 18….i didnt get to do anything ‘sweet’ until a couple years into college, and i wouldnt have done it differently….i tried to explain it to him, running around college with everything being so new and foreign and that you need to be able to conquer that before you conquer situations that are actually foreign…..if the language barrier of your english speaking asian advertising teacher is too much, you might not be ready for 5 countries of legitimate lack of understanding……….in an effort to relate to my brother(s) (of whom i still imagine are 8 years old) i told him it was like being in D.A.R.E. in 4th grade……hey, yeah…teach me about all sorts of drugs and addictions when i cant even spell those words yet….’ARE YOU GONNA PUT NEEDLES IN YOUR ARMS AND SNIFF GLUE TO FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU GET OLDER?!’……no..fuck no…..what?….do we get chocolate milk today?……damn, its nice out…..wait, drugs?…no…i wont do drugs……..those are for losers……….seriously, educate me about something a little closer to the time when i may encounter it or ill just forget about it…….i dont remember what time i woke up today so how do you expect me to say no to something i saw a slide of 15 years ago?……..they think teaching us earlier will prevent it from happening sooner, but its really just a dumb call……before we know it, the dry erase board in kindergarten classrooms with the days activities on it will read something like:

8:00 morning prayer

9:00 weekly reader

9:30 music class

10:30 how to put on a condom

10:35 nap time

..you get the idea.